Cathedral

Snow to my knees living in this lucid sleepless dream
 Cloud of white billow by, leaving me in this moment frozen in time
 Lost in this world full of misconception
Is this reality or am I lost in inception
Cold to the touch in this instance I live
Freed from the past my legacy is mine to give
Your mark has left a scar
Stained glass windows a story to tell
Each piece imperfect stitched together creating me
Only to God will I fall to my knee
For he has given me everything

Golden Sky

In and out of consciousness
Into your eyes, goes the stare
A soul longing for love and guidance
A deeper meaning adare
Passion and angst boil to the surface
Fiery desire, intellect atune
Driven for a purpose
A distance to go
The dance has been danced
The mask has been worn
The music has ended a moment torn
Hide behind the sepal
Or let your anther flow
This to know
Will change the end to which you will go

Sucker

looking out from a dark space
back behind the things in life I see
collections of shiny things
stubs left from nights in the lights
a photo from the past a memory that will last
the blanket stained red
a moment I wished I were dead
the dark place is where I fled
there I heard your awful tone
silence then I know I payed the toll
peace has now found my soul
safety of the present
the past that cant touch you now
I am a product of what I chose to be
you will never determine me
happiness is mine to keep
my love for life runs deep
this is the story that will be told
I am the one that broke the mold

I wrote this today while trying to study Spanish and to be honest it is pretty foreign to me. Most things in life we learn through experiences. It is how we react to those experiences that define us. We determine who we want to be, what we want to do, and how we treat others along the way. If we fall prey to those that treat us with disrespect then we too are the same sucker they have become. A marionette another puppet maneuvered by unseen strings, or you can break the mold.

The Seven Dwarfs

There is nothing that I love more in this life than my family. I come from a large family, ok that might be an understatement I am the middle child of 11 kids. We may not all be from the same mom and dad but we are family no matter how you try to tear us apart we love each other all  the same no matter which mom we came from if we are full, half, or even step sibling.It doesn't matter because we have each others. From 11 kids I have 7 brothers it may seem a lot to some but for me it is the perfect amount because they are all different and I need each one of them in my life.

 My oldest brother Glen now there is a bit of an age gap between us he is 13 years older than me. Glen has taught me what a good dad is, he loves his kids more than anything and always make sure that he is there for them.

 Kurt is the second oldest, Kurt taught me love he loved me more than anyone I have ever known he was my hero. Kurt was an extremely hard worker and a true friend that was always there when you needed him. 

Brian is the third oldest  in the family he definitely played the role of the big brother that teases you and gives you a really hard time. Brian has taught me that you can come back from anything a better person and that there is always hope.

 Luke he is the fourth oldest and just older than me. Luke is one of the smartest people I know, Luke has taught me that education isn't easy, you have to work your butt off, sacrifice, be dedicated, and never give up.

 Ben he is the first little brother I had, he is seven years younger than me. Ben is a crazy kid the biggest nerd I know but he is very passionate about the things he loves and will never let anyone stop him from doing just that.

 Kien he is the third from the youngest in my family. Kien, I just love that boy, he is stubborn oh so stubborn when he knows what  he wants he will not stop working till he gets it. Kien is also very tender hearted he may be a fighter but he is a big softy at the same time. Kien has taught me to stand for what I want and never back down. 

Spencer he is the baby of the family and trust me you will know it. Spencer he is a little athlete no matter what sport it is he will play it and he will be pretty damn good too. 

In short I love my brothers more than anything they have each taught me things I will never forget have always been there for me and will always be there.

Twitch

Many people that know me know I have a twitch. No it isn't tourettes or from excessive drug use. It comes and goes with out permission it tends to get worse when I am stressed or tired. Today I twitched no different than I normally do. You see I have had this twitch for years now. I was sitting in the testing center in a poorly lit hall studying for a test. When it hit me, the twitch... but it was the memory that came with it that made the twitch hurt for the first time in ages. It came and went in a flash but I felt you hit me again. My head hit the hall wall in our old entry way I heard the echoing inside my head the tear and sting of my ear burned. I felt the warmth of the sunlight coming in the from the side window by the front door touch my skin. I felt beneath you once again, not in control of my life. The fear of you seized me, I felt vulnerable in that instance. The moment lasted no more than 5 seconds that I was transported to the past. I choose now to live in the present. I don't live in fear of you. I feel bad for you and what you must go through day by day. I have prayed for your soul in the past, I know that what I suffered from what not my fault. You may have left your mark on me, but it will never disable the person I have become and the person I am yet to be.

The Bud

Everyday I see thousands of faces, in my lifetime at least a million or more. Some it is the first and will also be the last I see them. Behind each face is a history of happy moments, times of lose, periods of trial, and spells of challenge. I have met hundreds of those thousands of people but I do admitting that I have only talked and really got to know a few beyond the surface of what they wear and say but what they feel and actually think is where the true value is found. 

The best way in describing this experience is it like moving into a new house the yard is a wreck there is an assortment of plants, weeds, bushes, and trees throughout. You walk day after day up and down the path from your door to you destination. You never notice the small thorny patch for days weeks then one day you step on a thorn and it catches you off guard. You take the moment to pause as you stoop over and look down. You examine this obscure plant you have never seen before. It happens to not be anything  that you have ever recognized before it is intricate the leaves a gradation of colors from greens to purples, the way the stem spirals and more. There is one tiny bud emerging from all of the foliage and thorns the petal of the brightest color you have ever beheld. The mere tops of the petals are starting to emerge from the bud. From that point one you pay attention day by day till the most beautiful flower you have ever seen before emerges.  Throughout the years you weed the yard cut things out, change the landscape, some plants dwindle away no matter how hard you work to keep them in your yard, for some the soil just isn't right. The once thorn in your foot remains and is now stronger and more beautiful than ever.

Remember God doesn't give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need. Sometimes you never notice them until you slow down and pause. Every once in a while you they jump out at you, or you may accidentally step on them before you can realize their worth.   They are there to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to help you become the person you are meant to be. These are the people in life that make you laugh a little louder, smile a little bigger, and live a little bit better. In the end you could have never lived with out them this person called FRIEND.

Senior Year Finally Here!!!

I remember after I finished my Junior year of high school... I remember faking a senior year when I really went to college minus the many hours I spent in detention making up for ditching out on half of my Junior year. Ya most 16 year old don't think that one through, trust me I was not one of them. Here I am yet again a Senior... and SENIORITIS has set in. My symptoms include not wanting to go to class, do homework, wanting to sleep in every day, thinking that the library is prison, books are poisonous, and the professor never stop watching/tormenting you, homework replaced oxygen. So mainly the basic symptoms is all that I have. When in reality I wake up between 630 and 8 a.m. yes, this is early for college students that do not work. Work out 5 to 6 days a week this is the only way in which I stay sane in the slightest. Read read read read read read read read....READ REad REad Read Read read read read read read read..... oh and read some more. The I write write and write and write write write....  Yes I am writing my senior thesis... shoot me now... Oh the subject of my Thesis is the Mountain Meadows Massacre. So really its like the reverse for the history of my religion..  it should make me more homicidal... (BAD HISTORY JOKE) When it comes down to it I had no clue what I was getting myself into. I didn't really know what even had happened when I selected to subject to write on. Needless to say I have an great distaste for Bro. Brigham right now lets hope that wears off soon. Well I am halfway through the first semester and will be lost the in research the remainder of the semester...  needless to say if you ever need to find me look on the 4th floor of the UVU library or the couch of apartment 124.

F&F

Faith vs. Fear is sometimes all I feel we hear. Believe in what you will but fear for me is more than being hurt. Life is full of pains weaknesses and injury but it isn’t the physical that I fear. Looking deeper into the soul is where true pain is felt and that is where my fear resides. It took a residence there many years ago nearly 23.95 my soul was awakened 24.6 years ago but I felt the love of a heart beat before that day. Love is faith, faith in something more something greater that can move us to grow and become something more.  My fear has controlled parts of my life and kicked faith aside. Survival mode is what I call it you get up each day because that is what you must do to stay alive; you do what you need to, to keep the waters at bay till the end of the day. I then lay down and the floods engulf the walls and I begin to drown again. I fight the flood with all I have and look for the light and do all that I can to reach it once again. I sometimes find a buoy of hope that I grasp onto those days I feel strong. Then there are days where there seems to be no light no matter how hard I work and I am lost again at sea swirling in a hurricane of emotion. I then drift way to find a new day where I wake once again upon the possible tides of change. I have begun to look for my current across the great expanse of sea imploring to find it before the hurricane finds me aimlessly out at sea.  Faith.

BE MINE

Torn in two apiece for me apiece for you

Not knowing what to do, a desire to stay true

The edges surrounded by torn lace

Once whole it was full of grace

Together again the words still go

You are the essence to my soul

The ink still smudged with a tear of love

Brought together by heaven above

Only this we shall know

Turning Pages

A drive into the past and a glimps into the future. We wined through the old city street, passing places where millions of memories have been made, and there are millions more to come. Tonight we made a new. A new home was found, old homes were past stories are shared, a smile fuses the past and the future into this moment that we live in now. The sun is fading now an a new game begins with the hopes and aspirations, flying in the wind. The crack of the bat and a roar of the crowd. The rush of the droplets come pouring down. Cover is found the game still continues not on the green but between you and I. Prizes are won, beyond the surface, a greater gift is given. More stories are shared to create  the story of you and I.  Embracing the page in this chapter of life. You leave my side, but your vision remains. Till the next page is turned.

Pony-up

The buzz of the hive never ceases

Winds of change never stop

Day to day we remain the same

Looking back how things have change

Once the size of a hand, now exploring foreign lands

Life has become a carousel up and down, around, around

A joyful ride is now our lives, 

we can choose to stay the same, and just remain, on the carousel of change, 

but the view will always rearrange.

HELL-O Mr. Penguin

Peeing your paints is cool KIDS! said no one ever unless you are Billy Madison. Stay in school kids!!! Why on earth do we sometimes listen to this notion? really stay in school? When was I ever not in school? I really started to ask myself this a few days ago.. I cant remember not being in school(minus the summers). Oh wait yes I can, I was still picking my nose on a regular basis, smelled like a goat, ran around barefoot, and fishing in babbling brooks. I was a bit of a hippy flower child or highly unsupervised as a youth. Then I was forced to conform to the standards of normal society. I don't remember it every being my idea until more recently. If you could some how in your memory pull up a picture/pictures that parents take of their kids at theme parks, family reunions, school plays, and the kids is siting there with the most pained look on their face almost as though they are constipated. That kids has been me the first day of school since the age of 4, yes for the last 20 years that constipated look has been on my face. No I don't have a bowel problem but it more the look of awkward dreaded pain of going back to school. Though like constipation after the first day is over you feel a million times better. I am so glad to be back in school.

My Horizon

You are all I want. It doesn’t matter how I feel, how much I make, where I am, because none of that matters. I dream about you when I sleep. I would do anything for you. I would die for you. Be a slave for you. When you are in agony I feel my heart tear, my soul aches to be able to be with you. Your happiness means more to me than anything that this earth could provide. You are the gravity that holds me down, when I feel like my life is flying out of control. I wish I could read your thoughts so that your every wish would come true. You are beauty to me in every form. When I look into your eyes I can see your soul, it is the purest form of perfection. You are the oxygen to my lungs when I have been shoved under the waves in life and hit rock bottom. I feel the current carrying me and drifting me along out of my control. I swim with all my might left and I am a thousand yard right. I will not stop fighting the current that drags me down you have become the horizon. No matter how hard I labor the current holds me back. The horizons distance never changes it has become fleeting with my every move. Darkness has fallen on me now. In the darkness I may not see, but you are once again next to me in my heart and in my dreams. A new dawn shall come and then I shall see that the horizon can never be next to me till darkness falls.

2008 to 2012 i have added a few.... but still have a few more to go

Here's how it works. Change the items to bold that you have done in your life.
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland /world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris(in Las Vegas)
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea(the beach does that count)
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
c83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved some one's life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club(didnt last long)
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. read an entire book in one day (thank you college)

Moments

A single moment can change our entire lives.

 The acceleration of a car, a blink of an eye, three words, yes, or no. Each of these have steered my life in a direction that  was unforeseen. 

The acceleration of a car is a simple act than many make daily without a thought. I do it daily as I commute back and forth from work sometimes not even noticing gap and period in the road because it had become so routine. This routine of hitting the right pedal changed my life drastically 23 years 8 months and 3 weeks ago. Increased flow of gasoline to an engine took my mother away from me. I will never know what it is like to have a moment with a mother the look that she gives when she is proud that you are hers. The moment where you do something so stupid that all she can do is hold you in her arms and still love you the same as the day you were first placed in her arms. 

A blink of an eye. I was 14 almost 15 there were few thing if I am being honest I even gave a damn about. At the time one of those things was my brother Kurt. He was my big brother, protector, friend, and hero. I look to him to know what hard work was, how to be a true friend, and how to show someone you cared. Kurt loved me and I knew it, when I felt that my entire life I had been tossed around at sea, Kurt acted as my anchor. A blink of an eye, a jolt, shattered glass, and my hero lay on the ground. 3 days later I picked the clothes to dress my protector in. 2 days later I laid a rose on his casket not knowing when I would see him again.

3 words I forgive you. I was 16 years old and still didn't give much of a damn. I had been carrying guilt on my shoulder that wasn't mine to carry. I had been hurting for years, not knowing what to do. Till a wise man taught me what forgiveness was. It wasn't forgetting what had happened but letting go of the load that we carry. I was scared to let go of the load, as I drove in the dark headed northward. I blared my rock music looking for relief, solstice but I knew that I wouldn't find it till I reached my destination. I pulled up to the house the porch light was on still. I sat there for what felt like an eternity staring at the door at the top of the steps. I at that moment relearned how to walk as I magically ended up at the door. I knocked the door open, there she stood. I was now taller than her I looked down at her in the eyes and said there is something I need to say. My throat started to close off, my heart was racing at the speed of light, what had I done, how did I end up here. She stood there and looked at me not moving as her arms were crossed. I opened my mouth and summoned only 3 words I forgive you. I needed not to say anymore she said nothing in return she stood there. I turned walked to my car and left that night a different person because of 3 words I forgive you.

Yes or No. This could determine a great sandwich at subway or ending up with a cucumber between two pieces of wheat bread. There have been many yes or no question asked of me through out my life. Such as is the square root of 16, 4? yes or no. There are moments however I have found me asking myself yes or no. One of these times I was 19.5 years old. I stared myself down in the mirror atop the medicine cabinet in the basement of my fathers home. Yes was the answer to acceleration more, faster, and not looking back. No was letting go of my crutches and walking on what felt like razor blades with broken legs. Yes or No at that moment in the mirror changed my entire outcome in life. Yes was no longer the option, I now walk on razor blade with the pain unmasked for the first time in years, I felt once more.

MOMENTS determine not my future, but our future as a whole.

HEY EMILY

I indeed need to dedicate this blog posting to my co-worker Rachael. Like a good book needs to be in the honor of someone. Rachael is like a fine wine and only gets better with time. That is with whatever Endeavor she takes on next. Her latest project: making me feel well happy, embarrassed, motivated, and super Mormon beyond belief. If I were to give a name to this scheme I would uncountable call it the Hey Girl, By Zac Efron. I like the nerd that I am have what I would consider a slight crush or fancy for Zac Efron (who doesn’t that has looked at that man). This all started with me pinning a nice picture of Zac on Pinterest.

Rachael Pinterest stalks me and has taken the task, no duty upon herself to tickle my fancy for Zac throughout the day. I would like to SHARE some of these with you because well we all need a little Zac.

HEY EMILY, I JUST GOT BACK FROM A MISSION, AND I AM LOOKING FOR MY NEXT COMPANION  -ZAC

HEY EMILY, SORRY I'LL GO PUT MY SHIRT BACK ON. MODEST IS HOTTEST. -ZAC

HEY EMILY, I HAVE THIS MAJOR HEADACHE, I JUST READ YOUR ARTICLE ABOUT THE PEOPLE OF HONG KONG AND IT BLEW MY MIND -ZAC

HEY EMILY, WANNA MAKE A MODERN VERSION OF SATURDAYS WARRIORS? I GOT THE VIDEO CAMERA, YOU WRITE THE CHEESY DIALOGUE. -ZAC

Those are just a few of the many in-boxed items I receive daily. Do I laugh? yes.. Do I smile? yes... Do I reopen from time to time to look at him? I plead the 5th. Most honestly though I am glad I am not his mother because I would find it weird that to crazy women that work for Jesus creep on my son. Till next time to each his own.- Emily 

Stick'n it to the Man

Every once in a while I get a wild hair up my.. And all I want to do is stick to the man. Now the “Man” could be varied according to situations. This “Man” happens to be a woman in her mid 60's. She the unsaid woman because I really don't know her name not because I don’t want to offend or embarrass her. She this woman sleeps on the couch on the floor that I work on. This couch is located in a sitting room that you must walk through to get to the bathroom with five stalls and 2.5 toilets that don’t fire while at random when on them. Back to the “MAN” though she enters at approx. 12:50 p.m. with some concoction heated to her liking, she then yarfs it down and sleeps on the couch. This combination of Musk most likely from the Dollar General, food from probably beet heaven, and the smell of the bathroom is intoxicating. Intoxicating in a worse than Brittany Spear kind of way. She then proceeds to sleep for 30-40 mins and then returns to her floor. This has caused a great distaste for this “Man” on the floor everyone complains and well I am not sure if they return from the bathroom with their lunches still intact. (I sometimes don’t)

This leads me to “THE PLAN” I came up with a plan to deter this “Man” from sleeping in our sitting room. The plan was to move the couch every day for an entire month as a deterrent for this woman to not sleep and stink up the floor. I proceeded to move the couch and ottoman every day 5 days a week to a new and different position. Yet everyday she would have to reposition the couch for sleeping and eating purposes. For over a month this couch mysteriously moved and was then moved back to the original position. I gave up after 5.5 weeks of moving this couch. I then learned sticking it to a 65 year old woman of a “MAN” is much harder than it looks.