THE BIG FIVE

Little do I know about the entirety of the world that I live in. I sometimes find myself at a loss with myself. Who am I? Is often asked internally on a daily basis. I have come to find we are our choices in many ways, but there are other things that create us and who we are. Our sex, race, religion, culture and orientation. these are the BIG FIVE that also create who we are beyond our choices. These five things are the most heated political and debated things of today.

NO.1 Sex. Male, Female, and beyond this we had no choice in at all, it took place before we were in born into this world. For many people in one way or another they may not feel comfortable with the stereotypes that come with sex like "women drivers" or "what is wrong with him he should be the one working". Then others just don't feel as they belong or are comfortable, because they may have been born male and identify as a female or vice verse. Should the views of others define them on who they are or are we allowed to define who we are? (that question being rhetorical)

NO.2 Race. As a young child I was told you can be anything or anyone you want to be as long as you work hard enough for that you one day will be able to achieve anything. Well folk this little me thought hard and I decided what I wanted to be until it was shattered in second grade Thank you Mr. Clarke for being the first person to tell me, I couldn't be Oprah. No matter how much I wanted to be because I would never be able to be a middle aged Black woman. That was the first moment that I realized at age 7, that race defines you and who you are according to society. I have heard so many negative things said like that "wetback" is good for nothing but the jobs us white folks are to good for. I have been blown away at the racism I have received for being white I have been spate on for no reason beyond the fact that I was a white person at a door knocking to talking about Jesus. I must think that I am above them and that they are bellow me because I am white. I have been told by another race that they are going to rape and kill me, because I don't belong in there area. Does the color of my skin define my character or what I capable of? James A. Forbes to me defined that we are not race but that we are a human race when he said "When people rely on surface appearances and false racial stereotypes, rather than in-depth knowledge of others at the level of the heart, mind and spirit, their ability to assess and understand people accurately is compromised." Therefore race does not matter because we are all a part of the human race together as one.

NO.3 Religion. Millions upon millions die century after century because of religion. Religion of any kind teaches one to believe in something higher something greater that who they are. If the bible is the same book that all Christians believe and read from then how does one believe that God is love, peace, tolerance, and perfection. Yet this same person that calls them self a christian believes that God could hate and destroy someone for not being perfect is absurd. If that were the case that would give the sinner power above one that is omnipotent. Belief is a powerful tool that if one is true to God then one would or should be of love, peace, and tolerance towards all eliminating that barrier that so many create that when you up break it down all religions teach those same underlying principles.

NO.4 Culture. Culture is created by us by who we are and who we surround ourselves with. Culture was there since the dawn of time and that the human race began and started to interact with one another showing intellectual thought. Does this mean that one culture is above another? Many would say so because they are more educated in the arts or sciences. Or are the remote tribes in South America more cultured because they do not need what we in America deem as the best culture. We have a government and rights that many feel all should have so it is taken and forced on others to have our culture. What if we stopped for just one moment and took into perspective that all cultures are equal but different just as 2+2=4 and 4*1=4 and 5-1=4 they all have the same equality but are uniquely there own. 

NO.5 Orientation. This right now is the most heated debate in the United States what sexual orientation you are. Many play the the other four of the big five to try and control sexual orientation. Sex only a man and a woman can create life therefore you as a man should be with a woman or you as a woman should be with a man. Race is a playing card also if you are a strong black man the you must be a man and have your woman. Religion is the ace in the deck on the subject many twist words that were written thousand of years Ago and define them to mean what ever they feel it to mean to create power and control. This manipulation and guilt is not of God if the gospels are correct the we are not to to cast the first stone, for each person has a mote in there own eye as each person is imperfect. God is love, love is free of judgment it is kind, understanding, and accepting. And if this is true then if a man want to be with a man let them be. If a man wants to be with a woman then too let it be.

 The saddest part  is we're obsessed with this idea of 'us and them,' which is really a no-win situation, whether it's racial, cultural, religious, orientation, or based on sex. To win and over come we must not allow the big 5 to exist in our minds as definitions, problems, or judgements. We are each a member of the same human family we should love, feel at peace with, and define tolerance for one another, we all are born onto this earth and will all one day leave it no matter what the big five are for each of us. The most important thing is to enjoy your life, to be happy, and know that is what matters. 

The saddest part of the human race is we're obsessed with this idea of 'us and them,' which is really a no-win situation, whether it's racial, cultural, religious or political.

Dave Matthews

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/davematthe574180.html#Twij8dg6tq2lrlXl.99

The saddest part of the human race is we're obsessed with this idea of 'us and them,' which is really a no-win situation, whether it's racial, cultural, religious or political.

Dave Matthews

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/davematthe574180.html#Twij8dg6tq2lrlXl.99

The saddest part of the human race is we're obsessed with this idea of 'us and them,' which is really a no-win situation, whether it's racial, cultural, religious or political.

Dave Matthews

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/davematthe574180.html#Twij8dg6tq2lrlXl.99

Burning Thoughts

Living through this life is like a walk down a path made of a bed of coals. Some are able to do it with ease or no discomfort. Then there are others that feel that blistering heat and know that they can make it and just keep moving forward. There are other that stumble and fall and the path that they were on hard or easy burns them and they will never be the same again. Trapped on this path I have been for years on end I have caused myself to fall time and time again. I have been pushed down to the fiery coals that can consume ones entire flesh, but I stood up again. Torn apart my flesh feels bleeding, the gaping holes show my suffering. I try and cover them to my dismay there are still some that can see my pain. Those I go to for help have turned the other way, for what you do not see, can not hurt you. By ignorance many think they will be saved. But ignorance, unawareness of, unconsciousness of, unfamiliarity with, inexperience with, lack of knowledge about, lack of information this does not scream bliss. This screams lack of education lack of humanity lack of the ability to know empathy and rise above the shallowness of sympathy because sympathy never felt what you or I have felt. Become aware of those around on this path made of a bed of coals because you might be the next to stumble and fall and then where will you be with your sympathy and ignorant bliss.

Angel

Wandering she walk in the fields of time lost in her dreams of the worlds she creates. There is magic there inside her mind she can fly to any part of the world she wishes, but that is not what permeates her thoughts. She see her standing there, an angel glistening in the sun. The glow transcends from her angel to the yellow field of wheat like weeds. The crown she wears is spun from the golden weeds she is the angels princess. She laughs and plays as they talk of life to come. Tea parties, adventures, and walk by the river they take.  Years go by education ensues, the little girl is no longer a girl, but a woman now. Lost she feels in the world alone where is her angel now? she cries for her angel to return. Anger is the emotion she feds, abandonment from the angel she loves. Why? she cries from the pits of her soul as she aches in pain. Why? God, why? I need my angel to return. Lost was the once little girl. The angel was there as she watched the little girl learned and grew into a woman. The angel was there when she felt alone, lost, abandoned, and scared. For a mother love passes through heaven to her daughters care.

Battlefield

The soldier is born like anyone else. A smack and a burst of air hits the lungs. Life as we know it then just begun eating, sleeping, and noise in-between. Till the day they all begin to seem more than just noises that bounce around above they form meanings, emotions, and demands. Responses develop in time first in all things we roll, crawl, and walk before we run. This is how the life of a soldier has begun. Walking and running through life till we get to the "LINE" of take a step back or cross to our duties that call. For many their duty may seem small, other tasks feel large at hand, the soldier straps it on their back and still carries forward. Many of the soldiers never see war but keep and work on their tasks day by day till they are done and can walk away. The soldier that I followed I found had stumbled fallen and hit the ground.  In the mud this solder trudged for many years till on day the solder found the clear. Clean off the gear and mud from face. Peace was found in an unforeseen place.  Dreams of home, a childhood, loving embrace from ones true love dance in the soldiers head. Awoken by missiles overhead is this the moment I will be dead? Will life live on? The soldier now longer is running, or walking at all. Crawling is in times of war is the quickest pace. Little eating or sleeping take place, but each time you breath in air hits the lungs,  life from that point on has just begun. We are each a soldier on earth battle ground, breathe and know life from this point on has just begun.

Humpty Dumpty

Today I sat upon a wall I looked around the valley floor, people hustle and bustle about living their lives no doubt. Alone I sat aside from all, not sure if I felt big or small. Winds came and blew about and there i sat still and stout. Many days I wished I would fall and then I wouldn't have to watch them all, live there lives with love and peace. Some had pain that was their piece. Few came and spoke words of choice, to them I listened and advised. Alive they think I am on this wall inside I am dead to all. I have been dead dwelling int his bodies shell. Decayed my heart rotted inside like hell. None can see the pain that lives inside of me. Before I died inside I had never felt more alive love had entered my life for once. Trust I had, I gave my all. I for a moment thought I didn't sit alone on this wall I thought was built of stone. Pebble I thought you threw till it tore me in two. This shell of a body now lays in pieces you can see that there is nothing left inside of me.

Fingerprint

Two hands touch with faith in the other
The worn hands of time can tell
Scars each a silent mark
Leathered skin
Yard work and journeys across the sea
Callused of long days
All things fade with the age of time
Turning of each nursery rhyme
Grace, comfort these hands gave
Tears of pain, wiped away
Fought battles won and lost
Dust each day they still pray
Two hands touched long ago
One of yours, one of mine.

Hourglass

freedom from the world at hand doesn't mean you have to travel to a distant land. Lost in a desolate bank of sand you too can find the holy land. Sounds and motion can trap you into a world of hell leaving you with little hope to dwell. Solace is the space between the noise and commotion. Where you find yourself alone. Once surrounded by thousands of people, dust in the air, music, vocal jabber all about. Time stood still, the motions stopped, the dust cleared, voices faded, scents dispersed, and lights dimmed to a point where one could see the margin of the earth decipherable. Cognition left blank free of movement this is where you discover "self" insusceptible suspended in time, in that hallowed state you see, who you have come to be.

Thoughts scattered across the shores of Laguna Beach

Finding who you, it's no easy task. I as a person identify with a lot of things. Like I am a Marvin, it's my last name got it from my dad, or I am a Mormon. What does this all mean? You could look it up in a dictionary but that is its own definition. The guy next to you on the train may not know either one of those words or what they mean. If he doesn't know do you not exist? Have you become this blanks space in a seat. Knowing who you are goes beyond that. It's not a science of neurons or adams it is more complex than that. No one can know who you truly are beyond you. You are the makings of your inner thoughts and your outward actions. In that is the problem with the world and particularly me. I  did what I was told growing up, I blindly followed most of my life,  I listened and believed what people told me to be or even who I already was. I allowed the thoughts and beliefs of others to determine who I thought I was. They never were my actual thoughts however they were just words implanted into my mind. I now am determined to figure out who I am. Who is Emily Marvin, what is my definition, i am the only one who will ever know. Now to find my own thoughts beyond the words implanted in me. I am my inner thoughts a secret to the world, a story yet fully told.

Cathedral

Snow to my knees living in this lucid sleepless dream
 Cloud of white billow by, leaving me in this moment frozen in time
 Lost in this world full of misconception
Is this reality or am I lost in inception
Cold to the touch in this instance I live
Freed from the past my legacy is mine to give
Your mark has left a scar
Stained glass windows a story to tell
Each piece imperfect stitched together creating me
Only to God will I fall to my knee
For he has given me everything

Golden Sky

In and out of consciousness
Into your eyes, goes the stare
A soul longing for love and guidance
A deeper meaning adare
Passion and angst boil to the surface
Fiery desire, intellect atune
Driven for a purpose
A distance to go
The dance has been danced
The mask has been worn
The music has ended a moment torn
Hide behind the sepal
Or let your anther flow
This to know
Will change the end to which you will go

Sucker

looking out from a dark space
back behind the things in life I see
collections of shiny things
stubs left from nights in the lights
a photo from the past a memory that will last
the blanket stained red
a moment I wished I were dead
the dark place is where I fled
there I heard your awful tone
silence then I know I payed the toll
peace has now found my soul
safety of the present
the past that cant touch you now
I am a product of what I chose to be
you will never determine me
happiness is mine to keep
my love for life runs deep
this is the story that will be told
I am the one that broke the mold

I wrote this today while trying to study Spanish and to be honest it is pretty foreign to me. Most things in life we learn through experiences. It is how we react to those experiences that define us. We determine who we want to be, what we want to do, and how we treat others along the way. If we fall prey to those that treat us with disrespect then we too are the same sucker they have become. A marionette another puppet maneuvered by unseen strings, or you can break the mold.

The Seven Dwarfs

There is nothing that I love more in this life than my family. I come from a large family, ok that might be an understatement I am the middle child of 11 kids. We may not all be from the same mom and dad but we are family no matter how you try to tear us apart we love each other all  the same no matter which mom we came from if we are full, half, or even step sibling.It doesn't matter because we have each others. From 11 kids I have 7 brothers it may seem a lot to some but for me it is the perfect amount because they are all different and I need each one of them in my life.

 My oldest brother Glen now there is a bit of an age gap between us he is 13 years older than me. Glen has taught me what a good dad is, he loves his kids more than anything and always make sure that he is there for them.

 Kurt is the second oldest, Kurt taught me love he loved me more than anyone I have ever known he was my hero. Kurt was an extremely hard worker and a true friend that was always there when you needed him. 

Brian is the third oldest  in the family he definitely played the role of the big brother that teases you and gives you a really hard time. Brian has taught me that you can come back from anything a better person and that there is always hope.

 Luke he is the fourth oldest and just older than me. Luke is one of the smartest people I know, Luke has taught me that education isn't easy, you have to work your butt off, sacrifice, be dedicated, and never give up.

 Ben he is the first little brother I had, he is seven years younger than me. Ben is a crazy kid the biggest nerd I know but he is very passionate about the things he loves and will never let anyone stop him from doing just that.

 Kien he is the third from the youngest in my family. Kien, I just love that boy, he is stubborn oh so stubborn when he knows what  he wants he will not stop working till he gets it. Kien is also very tender hearted he may be a fighter but he is a big softy at the same time. Kien has taught me to stand for what I want and never back down. 

Spencer he is the baby of the family and trust me you will know it. Spencer he is a little athlete no matter what sport it is he will play it and he will be pretty damn good too. 

In short I love my brothers more than anything they have each taught me things I will never forget have always been there for me and will always be there.

Twitch

Many people that know me know I have a twitch. No it isn't tourettes or from excessive drug use. It comes and goes with out permission it tends to get worse when I am stressed or tired. Today I twitched no different than I normally do. You see I have had this twitch for years now. I was sitting in the testing center in a poorly lit hall studying for a test. When it hit me, the twitch... but it was the memory that came with it that made the twitch hurt for the first time in ages. It came and went in a flash but I felt you hit me again. My head hit the hall wall in our old entry way I heard the echoing inside my head the tear and sting of my ear burned. I felt the warmth of the sunlight coming in the from the side window by the front door touch my skin. I felt beneath you once again, not in control of my life. The fear of you seized me, I felt vulnerable in that instance. The moment lasted no more than 5 seconds that I was transported to the past. I choose now to live in the present. I don't live in fear of you. I feel bad for you and what you must go through day by day. I have prayed for your soul in the past, I know that what I suffered from what not my fault. You may have left your mark on me, but it will never disable the person I have become and the person I am yet to be.

The Bud

Everyday I see thousands of faces, in my lifetime at least a million or more. Some it is the first and will also be the last I see them. Behind each face is a history of happy moments, times of lose, periods of trial, and spells of challenge. I have met hundreds of those thousands of people but I do admitting that I have only talked and really got to know a few beyond the surface of what they wear and say but what they feel and actually think is where the true value is found. 

The best way in describing this experience is it like moving into a new house the yard is a wreck there is an assortment of plants, weeds, bushes, and trees throughout. You walk day after day up and down the path from your door to you destination. You never notice the small thorny patch for days weeks then one day you step on a thorn and it catches you off guard. You take the moment to pause as you stoop over and look down. You examine this obscure plant you have never seen before. It happens to not be anything  that you have ever recognized before it is intricate the leaves a gradation of colors from greens to purples, the way the stem spirals and more. There is one tiny bud emerging from all of the foliage and thorns the petal of the brightest color you have ever beheld. The mere tops of the petals are starting to emerge from the bud. From that point one you pay attention day by day till the most beautiful flower you have ever seen before emerges.  Throughout the years you weed the yard cut things out, change the landscape, some plants dwindle away no matter how hard you work to keep them in your yard, for some the soil just isn't right. The once thorn in your foot remains and is now stronger and more beautiful than ever.

Remember God doesn't give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need. Sometimes you never notice them until you slow down and pause. Every once in a while you they jump out at you, or you may accidentally step on them before you can realize their worth.   They are there to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to help you become the person you are meant to be. These are the people in life that make you laugh a little louder, smile a little bigger, and live a little bit better. In the end you could have never lived with out them this person called FRIEND.

Senior Year Finally Here!!!

I remember after I finished my Junior year of high school... I remember faking a senior year when I really went to college minus the many hours I spent in detention making up for ditching out on half of my Junior year. Ya most 16 year old don't think that one through, trust me I was not one of them. Here I am yet again a Senior... and SENIORITIS has set in. My symptoms include not wanting to go to class, do homework, wanting to sleep in every day, thinking that the library is prison, books are poisonous, and the professor never stop watching/tormenting you, homework replaced oxygen. So mainly the basic symptoms is all that I have. When in reality I wake up between 630 and 8 a.m. yes, this is early for college students that do not work. Work out 5 to 6 days a week this is the only way in which I stay sane in the slightest. Read read read read read read read read....READ REad REad Read Read read read read read read read..... oh and read some more. The I write write and write and write write write....  Yes I am writing my senior thesis... shoot me now... Oh the subject of my Thesis is the Mountain Meadows Massacre. So really its like the reverse for the history of my religion..  it should make me more homicidal... (BAD HISTORY JOKE) When it comes down to it I had no clue what I was getting myself into. I didn't really know what even had happened when I selected to subject to write on. Needless to say I have an great distaste for Bro. Brigham right now lets hope that wears off soon. Well I am halfway through the first semester and will be lost the in research the remainder of the semester...  needless to say if you ever need to find me look on the 4th floor of the UVU library or the couch of apartment 124.

F&F

Faith vs. Fear is sometimes all I feel we hear. Believe in what you will but fear for me is more than being hurt. Life is full of pains weaknesses and injury but it isn’t the physical that I fear. Looking deeper into the soul is where true pain is felt and that is where my fear resides. It took a residence there many years ago nearly 23.95 my soul was awakened 24.6 years ago but I felt the love of a heart beat before that day. Love is faith, faith in something more something greater that can move us to grow and become something more.  My fear has controlled parts of my life and kicked faith aside. Survival mode is what I call it you get up each day because that is what you must do to stay alive; you do what you need to, to keep the waters at bay till the end of the day. I then lay down and the floods engulf the walls and I begin to drown again. I fight the flood with all I have and look for the light and do all that I can to reach it once again. I sometimes find a buoy of hope that I grasp onto those days I feel strong. Then there are days where there seems to be no light no matter how hard I work and I am lost again at sea swirling in a hurricane of emotion. I then drift way to find a new day where I wake once again upon the possible tides of change. I have begun to look for my current across the great expanse of sea imploring to find it before the hurricane finds me aimlessly out at sea.  Faith.

BE MINE

Torn in two apiece for me apiece for you

Not knowing what to do, a desire to stay true

The edges surrounded by torn lace

Once whole it was full of grace

Together again the words still go

You are the essence to my soul

The ink still smudged with a tear of love

Brought together by heaven above

Only this we shall know

Turning Pages

A drive into the past and a glimps into the future. We wined through the old city street, passing places where millions of memories have been made, and there are millions more to come. Tonight we made a new. A new home was found, old homes were past stories are shared, a smile fuses the past and the future into this moment that we live in now. The sun is fading now an a new game begins with the hopes and aspirations, flying in the wind. The crack of the bat and a roar of the crowd. The rush of the droplets come pouring down. Cover is found the game still continues not on the green but between you and I. Prizes are won, beyond the surface, a greater gift is given. More stories are shared to create  the story of you and I.  Embracing the page in this chapter of life. You leave my side, but your vision remains. Till the next page is turned.

Pony-up

The buzz of the hive never ceases

Winds of change never stop

Day to day we remain the same

Looking back how things have change

Once the size of a hand, now exploring foreign lands

Life has become a carousel up and down, around, around

A joyful ride is now our lives, 

we can choose to stay the same, and just remain, on the carousel of change, 

but the view will always rearrange.